As our culture becomes more and more fixated with excess weight and dieting, we grow fatter. As weight loss methods proliferate, verging on the dangerous, we risk serious bodily harm to get thin, but never seem to get there. Unexpressed desires, hungers and needs drive this counterproductive behavior.
Through the years, my clients have shared many forms of hunger with me and with each other in my year-long weight loss class. Often, they describe a deep, endless hunger they feel in a sharp, visceral way – a deep hole that is never filled, no matter how much food, drink and drama are added to the void. That’s what I thought about when I saw this video:
The hunger we feel has nothing to do with food. And there’s no one way to describe it. Some people feel invisible, perhaps hiding in their fat, and yearn to be seen in the world. Some want to connect to others in a deep and meaningful way.
Fat can be a pathway to find ourselves, help us live a more conscious, deliberate life, or serve as a deterrent to sexual expression. I’ve had many clients describe food as a substitute sensual partner, creating intense pleasure during the process of eating. Many people fear their sexual appetites and eat to dull them.
What we’re talking about are needs, simple human needs, unfulfilled and channeled into a relationship with food. A suitable sexual partner may not be available, but food is abundant and easily accessible. Losing weight can leave us feeling exposed, and the initial attempts to be seen by others can feel awkward and unsatisfying. Then, it’s easy to run back to food and fat.
At one point along my winding pathway to permanent weight loss, I realized I was acknowledging myself with food. I was literally saying “I am here.” Why? Because I felt entirely invisible in life. Years later, I dressed in a fat suit to give a speech and immediately re-entered that “invisible” zone. The minute I entered the room, people averted their eyes from me. They huddled and pointed at me. Some ran.
It was a defining moment for me, seeing that I had not imagined the way others had perceived and treated me.
What’s the deep hunger you feel? If you can identify it, you can fill the need in another way.
Very interesting. Never thought about it that way but the desire to connect on a deeper level and feel cared for and precious I believe is primal.
It is a very deep, driving force and one that is often unconscious. Making the unconscious conscious is part of claiming our life, and not letting the deeper, unnamed needs cause behavior we feel we can’t control or understand.
I find being overweight keeps you from connecting with people, especially sexually, and it seems the need gets subdued wit food. But it all goes around and around. The heavier my weight goes, the more I hide out at home and don’t meet people, then gain more.
That’s a good point Ann. Weight can keep us from feeling confident to meet new people, or even interact with those we know. I think knowing our own needs, all of them, including those for intimacy, is a very important step to meeting those needs in positive ways. Then, the use of food as a substitute for acknowledgement or intimacy diminishes.
It’s actually kind of magical. ALL YOUR NEEDS ARE LEGITIMATE AND DESERVE TO BE FULFILLED!
I totally agree with what is written here, and relate to this. I’m actually shocked to see – in writing – how empty I feel regardless of what, and how much, I eat. There are times when I catch myself wondering what in the world I can eat to combat the flurry of feelings I am struggling with. How to take that next step when failing would be similar to jumping off a cliff without a safety net. What if I open myself to working on these coping mechanisms and am not successful at replacing them with a healthier way to live? What if I’m always going to be this way? What if I try and fail? What am I left with? An even deeper sense of self-disgust?