You are actively pursuing weight loss. You feel great about your efforts, which have led to noticeable results. But, on the way to meet a friend for lunch, you begin to get a niggling feeling in your belly. Something’s bothering you, but you don’t know what. As soon as your friend settles in the car, the first words out of her mouth remind you why you were apprehensive.
“Please don’t tell me you want to go somewhere boring and diet-y again. Olive Vine has all-you-can-eat pasta bowl at lunch!”
How do you react?
This is a common situation for people making change. It can cause your mind to go into overdrive.
You might:
1. begin to make excuses for her
2. remind yourself she’s your best friend
3. pretend you didn’t notice the negativity and judgment dripping in her voice
4. go along to “Olive Vine” and valiently fight to order something that doesn’t lead directly to a nap
You might even:
1. resent her
2. feel bad for making her uncomfortable
3. drop your intention to eat healthfully and order the all-you-can-eat pasta bowl
What’s wrong with this picture?
Your friend is a saboteur.
Saboteurs undermine your progress with their own neediness, their subtle and not-so subtle suggestions that you abandon your best interests.
It may look obvious on paper, in black-and-white print, but what if the saboteur is your mother, or your sister? What if it’s your partner?
Reasons Why
Saboteurs are threatened by change, in themselves (so they avoid it) and in others (because it points out their own lack of growth).
Their sabotage may look like any of the following, or a combination of them:
1. Doubt Dusters – Some people carry their own little supply of doubt and love to cast it around your life. “Do you think you’ll be able to keep it off this time?” and “I’d die if I thought I couldn’t have cookies every afternoon with my coffee!” are common expressions that can undercut your sense of achievement.
2. Diminishers – These lovely people will erode your success with double messages, like “You lost all that weight, but aren’t you hungry all the time?” or “It’s too bad you have to buy all new clothes. How expensive!” When I was losing weight and received compliments, I had a friend who would say “That was nice, but let’s don’t go gettin’ too big for your britches here!”
3. Deniers – Folks who are deniers pretend your success didn’t happen with blank faces and a dulled reaction. Everyone might be cheering you and they’re wondering why or sitting around with a frozen look on their face. You might even feel a subtle shift of energy hidden behind a plastic smile when other people applaud your results.
4. Tempters – They show up with a plate of home baked cookies to celebrate your weight loss, which is exactly how you don’t want to celebrate your accomplishment. They may be more subtle too… sneaking another round of drinks onto the table while you are in the bathroom, or ordering dessert for everyone and picking up the tab.
5. Comparers – It’s unloving to compare, but how many times have you heard “It’s great you lost 30 lbs. but Janie lost 50!” or “Danielle looks terrible since she lost weight, but, don’t worry, you don’t look that bad.” Comparison is unloving. Don’t do it. Don’t accept it, either.
6. Critics – Critics find fault with everything. They can nit and pick at your success until it’s a heavy burden to carry.
7. Contemptuous – Those who harbor contempt hide it, but it often comes out in strange, awkward ways. They may appear to be happy and supportive, but lash out with an unkind or cutting remark when you least expect it.
Your Job
It can be quite eye-opening to realize someone you thought had your best interests at heart is actually a saboteur. They may be enablers, and preferred enabling you to continue your food addiction because it somehow made them feel superior.
Jealousy or envy may be afoot. You may be stealing their limelight, or getting attention they want.
All of these are signs of dysfunction and need your attention, a frank discussion and some new rules. Setting boundaries is essential, but continually reinforcing those boundaries is almost always necessary with a saboteur-friend.
It doesn’t matter how you have to redesign the relationship, but making sure you have the support you need and deserve is your job.
The bottom line is, if someone is continually sabotaging your weight loss, or simply not supporting you in the way you need… they are not a friend. It may be time to move onto someone who can be a true friend.
The good news is, if you have gone beyond a diet to make the kind of internal changes necessary to lose weight permanently (see the enLIGHTen Your Life! program), you will find yourself effortlessly attracting higher quality friends and supporters into your inner circle.
